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September 05 Underwear goes inside pantsWhy is marijuana not legal? Why is marijuana not legal? It's a natural plant that grows in the dirt. You know what's not natural? Eighty year old dudes with hard ons. That's not natural, but we've got pills for that. We're dedicating all our medical resources to keeping the old guys erect but we're putting people in jail for smoking something that grows in the dirt? You know, we have more prescription drugs now than ever. Every commercial on TV is a prescription drug ad. I can't watch TV for four minutes without thinking i have five serious diseases. Like, "Do you ever wake up tired in the mornings?" Oh my god, I have this, write this down! Whatever this is, I have this! Half the time you don't even know what the commercial is, there's people running through fields, or flying kites, or swimming in the ocean. Like, that is the greatest disease ever! How do you get that? That disease comes with a hot chick and a puppy! The schools now, it's all about self-esteem in the schools. Build the kids' self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves. If everybody grows up with high self esteem, who's gonna dance in our strip clubs? What's gonna happen to our porno industry? These women don't just grow on trees, it takes lots of drunk daddies missing a lot of dance recitals before you decide to blow a goat on the internet for fifty bucks. And if that disappears, where does that leave me on a Friday with my new high speed connection? Mastermind's a word that comes up all the time, you keep hearing about these terrorist masterminds that are being killed over in the middle-east. Terrorist masterminds! Mastermind is sort of a lofty way to describe what these guys do, don't you think? They're not masterminds! "Okay you take bomb, right? And you put in backpack, then you get on the bus and you blow yourself up." "Why do I have to... blow myself up? Why don't I put, uh --" "Who's the fucking mastermind here, me or you?!" Americans, let's face it, you've been a spoiled country for a long time, you know what the number one health risk in america is Obesity? Obesity! They say you're in the middle of an obesity epidemic. An epidemic! Like it's Polio! Like, you'll be talking to your grandchildren about it one day, the great obesity epidemic of 2006. "How'd you get through it, grandpa?" "Oh, it was horrible, Johnny, there was cheesecake and pork chops everywhere." Nobody knows why you're getting fatter, look at yur lifestyles. You'll sit at a drive-thru, you'll sit there behind fifteen other cars instead of getting up and making an eight foot walk to the totally empty counter. Everything's mega-mealed, super-sized, "Want biggie fries with that, want a jumbo-fry, wanna go large, want a biggie fry, wanna have thirty burgers for a nickel, you fat motherfucker? There's room in the bag, take it! Want a fifty-five gallon drum of coke with that? It's only three more cents!" Sometimes you've gotta suffer a little in your youth to motivate you to succeed later in life. You think if Bill Gates got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft? Of course not! You've got to spend a long time stuffed in your own locker with your underwear wedged up your ass before you start thinking: "I'm gonna take over the world of computers, you'll see! I'll show them!" We're in one of the richest countries in the world and the minimum wage is lower now than it was thirty-five years ago. There are homeless people everywhere, this homeless guy asked me for money, the other day, I was about to give it to him, and I thought: he's just gonna use it on drugs or alcohol. And then I thought: That's what I'm gonna use it on! Why am I judging this poor bastard? People love to judge homeless guys. Like, you give him the money and he's just gonna waste it, he's gonna waste the money. Well he lives in a box! What do you want him to do with it, save it up and buy a wall unit? Take a little run to the store for a throw rug and a cd rack? He's homeless! I walked behind this guy the other day, a homeless guy asked him for money, he looks right at the homeless guy, he goes: "Why don't you go out and get a job, you bum?" People always say that to homeless guys, get a job. Like it's always that easy. This homeless guy was wearing his underwear outside his pants. I'm guessing his resume ain't all up to date. I'm predicting some problems during the interview process. I'm pretty sure McDonalds has an 'Underwear Goes Inside The Pants' policy Not that they enforce it very strictly, but technically, i'm sure it's on the books. TrackbacksThe trackback URL for this entry is: http://sorrylittlelot.spaces.live.com/blog/cns!E420CB364325700D!248.trak Weblogs that reference this entry
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