These are the facts of life

Did you know, that 1 out of 4 Americans has appeared on tv?
Did you know, 61% of all hits on the internet are on sex-sites?
Everyday 21 newborn babies will be given to the wrong parents
The average person swallows 8 spiders in a year
Cannabis is the most widely abused drug in the world
The average person laughs 13 times a day
Elvis was originally blond
The average age of first intercourse is 15.3 years old
The average erect penis is 5,2" long - and 4,2" circumcised
Eskimoes use refrigerators to keep food from freezing
41% of all people take people with curly hair less seriously
20% of all females have had at least 1 homosexual experience
Did you know, that there is no such thing as an anti-wrinkle-creme?

This is who we are, this is what we do, this is what it is
- the bare facts of the life we live

22% of the time, a pizza will arrive faster that an ambulance in Great Britain
96% of all women have at one time in their life faked an orgasm
3 people die every year, testing if a 9 volt battery works on their tongue
The 'Guinness Book Of Records' holds the record for being the most stolen book in public libraries
Butterflies taste with their feet
5% of the population is gay
The worlds best known word is 'okay', the second most well-known word is 'Coca-Cola'
The giraffe can clean its ears with its tongue
Charles Chaplin once won 3rd prize in a 'Charles Chaplin look-a-like contest'
In 1995 a Japanese trawler sank because a Russian cargo plane dropped a living cow from 30,000 feet
Only one book has been printed in more copies than the Bible - the IKEA-catalogue

1 cigarette takes away five minutes of a person's life
In 1950 we were 3 billion people on the earth - today we are 6 billion people
'Donald Duck' was banned in Finland, because he doesn't wear pants
74% of all nudist-females are nudists, because their husbands are nudists
More people die from a champagne cork popping, than from poison spiders
21% of all traffic accidents happen because the driver falls asleep
Did you know that originally a danish guy invented the burglar alarm? - unfortunately it got stolen

 

So help me God.

So it's my birthday and I'm out with some mates to celebrate when one of them asks why he doesn't pull and what he should do, my response is thus - oi the reason girls flirt is to work out their worth whereas men just hanker for the panky to happen
retain this fact i'm hammering, this fact is gonna matter what little you think you're letting by her sly she senses you're near her and smells your desire the general rule of mine, her intellect will be higher your task is to make her notice you fast but hanker when you don't close in after she knows she can get most dudes but she mustn't know about you if you screw this all up and then lose all your cool thats when she ends up liking you as a friend you're not playing at hard to get, you're playing at not getting a hard-on yet
and you wanna know what, listen..
the answer is to get close enough to her but listen the next thing you just totally blank her you think i'm fucking mad don't ya but i don't shag on my own get somewhere close to the lamb but then glance and turn to the man you need to get near to the lamb but she doesn't want to feel cramped instead of cowering up to the hostile lamb bowl up to the trusting man it's much easier talking to him, he doesn't suspect you want anything

just tell him something like did you know cigarette lighters were invented before matches?
it's abc making a he break with glee 'cos he isn't suspicious you're trying to muscle into his misses
do you know what i'm talking about that's why i'm talking about the woman is a highly socially-practised
master in body language, dab-handed actress she's calculating all the mad facts and the figures
while you're pretending to listen staring at her tits elementary, my dear cousin, elementary
i cannot state this enough she must not clock your flop you can't placard your march your threws seclude your moves or you're colluding well weapon

Oh and remember not to get hammered either
'cause people who get hammered don't get to nail

Many years ago a strange comet appeared in the sky. It struck the Earth and out of the crater crawled a child. From nearby woods came a mysterious and enchanted people, they took the child as their own and taught him the ways of the forest, but soon it was time for him to leave.

An hour later he was bitten by a monkey. As he tried to fight the effects of the monkey venom he lost his footing and stumbled into a swamp of toxic waste. When he emerged he had gained special powers. From that moment on he was able to fight off the most ferocious monkey attack and do kung fu.

Armed with his new skills he spent his time fighting the forces of evil. Many came to destroy him but he could not be defeated, so they hit him with a car. Left for dead scientists took his body to a secret lab and rebuilt him using old fridge parts. He promptly escaped and disappeared underground.

 

His whereabouts remained unknown...that is until now...

 

So there goes Porter off into the night there goes Porter fighting for whats right, he could be cleaning up streets of every criminal he meets, it's unlikely but you never know he might.

He'd tell them all about,

A fighting evil, breedingweevils, a flying pony, a hedge called Tony, magic pants, a sinister dance, Norwegian milkmen in a trance, chaos at the dairy, how to steal a prairie, a local craftsman getting all lairy, a bell ringer, a roast dinner, a blind bookies guide dog trying to pick a winner.

There goes Porter with a message for you and me there goes Porter he wants all the world to see that now and forever, we should work for peace together as long as there's nothing good on th tv.

But if there wasn't he would tell them about,

solid wood flannels, secret panels, jelly steeple, dust people, a greyhounds eyes, crystal pies,special pans,old mans hands,how to hide your relatives in home made flans, dust 'em down with flour, leave them for an hour, a platinum peg, a broom stick leg, a clumsy bar maid trapped in a keg.

There goes Porter he left me tangled in mind-string there goes Porter like a eagle on the wing although he can't really fly he would pretty much die if he chucked himself off a really high thing.

But up in heaven he'd tell the angels about,

Exploiding bricks, whittling sticks, a useful tunnel, a musical funnel, an angry hen, gadgets for business men, like collapsible whores, trimming dragon claws, laser guided puppies with heat seeking paws, tramps on a dump, a colourful hump, as a thirsty child steals the village pump.

 

Oh, he's gone.

 

Always lived my life alone, been searching for the place called home. I know that I have been cold as ice. Ignored the dreams, too many lies.

That's the way I felt and feel recently which is suprising as I thought I would have the usual feelings of wanting to leave this place as I reported in my last blog.

So the reason for this is the fact I am going through the wrost experiences of my life at the minute, no job, no home and split from the girlfriend due to this reasons, which if truth be told i'm ok with as it is what I needed to motivate me and Kim needs to be able to concentrate on herself for once.

So thats about it really, I guess i'll get by with a little help from my friends.